I feel like a kid again. Back then, I did things I was told to do and followed orders to maintain my life. Now, its almost the same, but there are some key differences. As a kid, I always knew what I wanted and did things I didnt like in exchange for getting that reward (or at least a portion of it). Now, I dont know what I want. I can buy things that I might like, but Im tired of trying. I do things now to avoid consequences or being put into stupid situations.

I give up some of my time, my freedom, and live in a much smaller bubble of my space time. I do the right things (from the perspective of society), get rewards, and gradually fill in my CV-life. I am told (or I tell myself?) that Im doing well, that Im getting better, and that life will reward me soon. Maybe the fun part is the feeling of success when life rewards me something rare or flashy, that proud moment where I stand out from normal people? I do not know. But I feel like something is leaving me, making me feel like a hollow person. Its both fantastic and depressing at the same time.

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